You're Ready to Be a Parent: When "Well-Meaning" Advice Hurts on Your Surrogacy Journey

Recently, one of our families shared something heartbreaking. After carefully waiting to announce their decision to embark on a sibling journey, a family member’s reaction wasn’t what they expected. The response was cruel and far from supportive:

“I would rather not overstep my boundaries, but I’m sharing my thoughts because I love you. I don’t think you’re fully considering all the implications. Imagine what it would be like for a child to be born to parents who are 55 and 53.

I’ve never known a child born to parents in their 50s! It’s uncharted territory. Are you pursuing this avenue solely because you want your biological child?

Your decision goes far beyond genetics. Moving forward will impact every aspect of our lives, so you should consider many things.”

Woah. Imagine their devastation. The excitement and support that should accompany any pregnancy announcement were tainted with doubt and judgment.

Why People Play "Devil's Advocate"

People often step into this role thinking they're helping you "think through" potential challenges. It typically comes from a place of:

Genuine concern for your well-being
Protection from perceived risks
Misunderstanding about surrogacy
Their fears or biases

What they fail to realize is that surrogacy is a profoundly personal journey that you didn't choose lightly. You've already considered the medical, legal, and emotional factors. That's why unsolicited concerns can feel so dismissive.

Questions You Might Face

You might hear things like:

"Have you thought about all the emotional complications?"
"What if the surrogate decides to keep the baby?"
"Isn't this a huge financial burden? Is it worth it?"
"What will people think of you using a surrogate?"
"What about your age and raising a child?"

While these questions might come from genuine concern, they can feel like direct challenges to your decision.

How to Handle Criticism Effectively

Know Your "Why"

You've done the research and emotional work. Stand firm in your reasons. This path feels right for you and your family, even if others don't understand.

Educate Without Over-Explaining

If you're comfortable, take the opportunity to address misconceptions about surrogacy—the legal protections, the careful screening, and the beautiful relationships that form. But remember, you don't owe anyone a justification for your choices.

Set Clear Boundaries

It's perfectly okay to politely but firmly redirect conversations. Try: "I appreciate your concern, but we've carefully made this deeply personal decision. I'd prefer to focus on the positive aspects of our journey."

Find Your Support System

Surround yourself with people who understand and lift you—whether friends, family, or others who've walked similar paths. A strong support network helps you navigate difficult moments and explains why you started this journey.

Remember It's Not Personal

When someone questions your decision, their comments often reflect their fears or limited understanding—not your reality. Their opinion doesn't diminish the strength of your choice.

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Through all the challenging conversations, stay focused on what matters: the beautiful family you're creating. Surrogacy is a loving path that helps families grow in extraordinary ways. Every problematic moment brings you one step closer to holding your child.

Final Thoughts

The surrogacy journey deserves respect and understanding. When faced with criticism, remember that your choice is based on what's best for your family. Set boundaries when needed, lean on supportive people, and keep moving forward.

The right people will stand beside you as you create the family you've dreamed of. After all, only you truly know what's right for you—and that's what matters most.